chance to feel

why the title?

one of my favorite songs, by a great band. veda. from the album, 'the weight of an empty room.'
the lyrics actually say, "i don't wanna deny my heart it's chance to feel"

props.

it's the most wonderful time of the year

every year i can't believe that Christmas here. and even more than that, i can't believe that it is over. so this year... i won't get caught in the rut. i won't let it pass by without my knowing. i'll see it where it is. i felt it just a few nights ago in the car, alone. it's here. this is it. i can enjoy or i can complain, once again this year, that i just don't know where it all went.

so... christmas carols are all over the radio. my favorite oldie: "here comes santa claus" the one where it sounds like he's saying santy claus. i can't remember who is singing...

and i dunno why, but i love that wham, "last christmas i gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away. this year to save me from tears i'll give it to someone special." hee hee.

i love the musical programs. the lights, even the poorly done ones.

i love christmas trees. they are everywhere and they are a beautiful expression of life.

i drove in my car listening to that music and giggling at some of those blow up things in people's front yards and i thought, "this is it. this is christmas."

i watched my family at thanksgiving laugh together while daddy wrote, "a chrysler 300 and some surprises" on his wish list and thought, this is it. this is christmas.

again when i received gifts from the kids. saw thier christmas t-shirts and sweaters, when we sang "let it snow let it snow let it snow, while it was 80 degrees outside, this is it.

and in all of this, i must... see Jesus. it is, in fact. the celebration of his birthday. and everything that followed that night. when i think of the fact that Jesus loves me at all, I am humbled. and to think that He wants to care for me and be my friend is sometimes more than i can take.

so this year...i will not let it pass me by, not any part of it.
it is here. right now and as i wrap each present and watch as it is torn open, i will take it all in.

merry Christmas.

growing old(er) gracefully

for the four years that i was in college i was really good about going to class. that may seem like a stupid sentence to some, but not to anyone who went to college for even a semester. it is ridiculously easy to skip. my freshman, year, however, i decided that my birthday would be for me. no classes. just fun. god allowed me to be born, so i would celebrate my own life with joy and gratitude. each year, on my birthday, i only went to the classes i wanted (like choir or the religion with the really entertaining professor.) that was it.

getting a job made this little trend much more difficult. (and so has having more birthdays.) but... life is so short. while my plan for the big 3-0 has been orginally to take the day off not to play but to whine. to self-loathe. to pout. to sleep until it hurts and then get up. watch awful things on tv and eat as if for that one day, it is my full time job.

now i know that many who might be much older than 30 who stop by to give this read will not find pity on me and may even be annoyed ( i hope they made it this far.) i feel it only right to say at this point that i know i have more life to live. that is what the rest of this will be about. but surely there was a time, in some past year, be it 17 or 70 that were angry about your age. the stuck-in-it-ness of it all. that is how i felt.

but through many events and people placed in my life. i have decided to embrace my age, and each day with both hands and a smile. even if that smile is fighting through tears.

so.... two things.

1. i am making trades. how? you say...

let's hear it for a small list....

**i have, as of today at walmart, traded clean and clear for all things oil of olay.

**i am officially trading juniors for misses. my mother and sister will be proud. they have been fighting that battle with me for years. and now, amazingly, the misses clothes actually fit my body and all it's (lovely) changes perfectly. who knew?

**i am trading the desire to be a certain weight with the desire to like the way i look (mind you, not accept this current body, because i'm not happy with it, but if i'm an 8 or 10, to like what's underneath. tone and smooth. no matter the size.

**i have let go of how my life is going by me and am determined to enjoy something about each day and knowing that best is yet to come.

**i have recently discovered, although there were hints of it from time to time, that my parents are not idiots. and not only are they not idiots, they are wise. beyond my understanding. and that if i will work with them and not against them it is amazing what we can accomplish together. i love my parents and am not afraid. not permanently. and the goal is not ever. they are wonderful.

and

2. i am going to embrace that big 3-0. i am still going to take off the day from work. i might even sleep in a little. and i will either spend that day by myself or with one special someone and we'll do stupid things all day. not to hold on to youth, but to embrace all that we are. on that day. i want to ride go carts and play putt putt. watch something stupid at the movies. (like maybe the most recent disney pixar.) i want to eat way too much and something REALLY good. and 2 or three times! and i want to buy myself something, just one thing. that i have put off. that i really want. that i don't necessarily need. and i want to thank my Lord for letting me breathe. just breathe.

tba

i'm scared. isn't everybody? even if you have faith that can move mountains. even if your life seems like the picture of happiness. whether it is that paranoid type of constant unsettledness or the nighttime alone scares or the only every once in a while, i'm scared. i'm scared of my future. what's in it? will i love it? can i do it? will i have children. i'm more afraid of that than anything else. i pray that God blesses me with a family.... i don't want a cookie one either. i want one that is just...ours. i want to spoil my kids, but appropriately. i want to teach them the importance of being kind, compassionate, following through things, and being responsible. and when they've got, really got, i'll let them skip school once or twice a year, for no reason. and i'll take them to do something really kool. i want them to live life responsibly and be good with money and plan ahead. but i want them to know that it's okay, and a riot, to be spontaneous. i want them to be afraid enough of me that they are motivated to avoid wrong, but should they find themselves in it, i want to be the one that they want to call... i want them to understand that while i may be disappointed in them or decisions that they make, but that my love for them will never waiver. will never change. and will certainly never go away.
i guess now i'll just wait for them...