because it's funnier

before i begin today's tale of woe, i would like to publicly apologize to my mother. i have thought i wouldn't write this story, partly because she raised me to be a lady. and i like to think, overall, that she did a wonderful job. but this lil diddy is pure & simple bathroom humor. why? because the things that people DON'T like to talk about are WAY funnier than the norm. so, here goes nothin.

this past saturday we had a beautiful concert at our local high school. before it began, i went in to the restroom. i giggled and shook my head because i remembered what happened the last time i was in there...
picture it. it was christmastime. excitement was in the air. the evening of the 5th grade play. the kids were so excited. everyone was looking forward to the break and time with family. kids were nervously excited. i was so happy to have on a new outfit. (oh, wait-dear frequenters of this blog, i really don't shop that much, but now i'm remembering a pig-wranglin' outfit...) but anyway, this beautiful shrimp colored twin set had matching jewelry: a long, trendy necklace and "ear-bobs." the outfit notes will be important later, hold the phone.
i can't remember why exactly, but my stomach wasn't feeling its finest (sorry, again, but i'm in this far-i'm obligated.) so, the need to go to the restroom was getting greater while i was making my third trip in from the car carrying a microphone stand, the programs, and the Boomwhackers in a large bucket. the need to "go" got so bad, in fact, that i realized i had begun to sweat (you know the feeling, the gotta go now but can't go yet feeling. ugh i can feel it now just describing it, it's oddly a lot like having a fever when you're really, really sick...) i dropped the large bucket outside the door and bolted in.
i sat...
i began...
i breathed out...
i noticed mud on my high heel...
i leaned over to wipe it off...
as i did, the next events all happened so fast that i hope you will read the next sentences as fast as you can, for that is how it was. ready? GO!

my keys, which were in my lap, slid off into the bowl, automatic flush activated. i panicked. i screamed out loud, "CRAP!" (no pun intended at ALL) without hesitation i spun around, shoved my right hand into the bowl, reaching for my keys and catching the very end of my honda key. i held on for dear life while the automatic flusher worked against me, ooooooh! i was gonna lose 'em, i just knew it. i would have to find a ride home, and those keys with the lock things on them are like $100, right? or more? and it's almost christmas.... that thing felt as if it would NEVER stop flushing. finally, i jerked my keys free, straight up into the air, shook them off and...
(slowly......) it was then that i realized that my brand new cashmere twin sweater sleeve was soaked in poo-infested h2O and that the long trendy necklace, now bouncing again on my upper stomach was also covered in and sprinkling me with, yup...crap water. p-yuck.
how the Lord let me get through this whole ordeal without a soul entering that restroom i'll never know, but i am truly grateful. still shaking from the nerves of almost losing my keys, i got it together, rinsed off my sleeve, removed and rinsed off my necklace. i dried everything as best i could, i looked at myself in the mirror, shook my hair a little as if to shake the whole experience off of me, held my head high and walked out of the restoom, picked up the huge bucket, and starting saying "hello" to the families and friends...who will be the north pole star? hee hee...